The Jump, The Choice, The Step

It wasn't planned, something that I didn't think of, I didn't expected it to happen. It was at that moment, when I let go of all reasons, and all I knew was I don't wanna end it, I don't wanna lose him, and I don't wanna be just friends anymore


I closed my eyes, held my breath and JUMP! I don't know how I will fall and I did not care about consequences, I'm falling and smiling and I didn't care what was waiting for me but he caught me, and held me tight .


It was a happy day, we talked about pet names he wanted to call me before going to work, he sent me  a handsome picture of him driving. I did not know what was on his mind, my mind and my heart was still in cloud nine. For that day and the next, I tried not to think about my daughter's dad and not think about how complicated it is. I said to him and to myself, I'll deal with things when it happens.


But the truth, it was crazy in my head. Thinking about all the complications, all that I will lose, all the mess that I will face once shit hits the fan. I don't know if he was serious, I don't know how serious I am. I only know that I have never wanted to be so honest to any person, so honest that I don't wanna lie to him about how I feel for him, I don't wanna hide behind the label of friends, or bestie, or I care for you, I wanna be able to tell him and show him that I love him.


It was after two days that we were able to talk through skype.


THE CHOICE. I was really scared to ask myself for the first two days about, "what now?" . "What's next?" "Why, When, WHO?" I tried to answer myself my own questions yet it makes more questions. And there was also the question of, is he serious? does he loves me or just like me? was he playing?  And yet whenever we chat on viber, all fears just disappear, I'm like in this space time warp and it's all butterflies, and pink, and flowers and sunshine, it's a happy place, he's my high, (if only I know how being high feels, I'm imagining it's like that.)


And then the skype call, I was a little shy seeing him for the first time as his girl. It was all cutesie until he asked the question, what now? What will happen when he comes back. tick.. tick.. BOOM!


Now I have to face the questions and answer it. There were a lot of questions not said and a lot of answers not spoken that day like;


Is he for real, is he serious with our relationship? -yes he is.

Does he really like me? -yes a lot, crazy even.

Does he loves me too? -a strong maybe

Is he worth losing everything? -yes


It was not just a choice between two men, it was choosing happiness, choosing to be me again, choosing life. And the decision was made that day. I WAS ALL IN, I did not even looked at my cards, win or lose.


Don't get me wrong, after that, there was still a lot of decisions, a lot of fears, a lot of what ifs, a lot more question. At the beginning, I have this fear that it will all fall apart and I will be left alone, I didn't know if we were at the same page, I had a lot to lose, I have more complications, I have to face a lot of mess on my own.

But we always talk, we prepared, we planned about things, we cried about things, but most of all we love each other and make each other happy, and made all things feel ok. And I never felt alone, even though he is far away.

And in a few weeks I was painting a room I'm gonna move in to, packing stuff, buying a table and finally moving out, never looked back.


THE STEP. Back then I thought, moving out of my daughter's father's house was the first real step to our relationship, now after half a year I think of it differently.


After everything that I have been through, after everything that he's been through, and also all that happened when we met and fell in love, all the things we have done before, today and until I see him in front of me, touch his face, and feel his lips, are the steps we took and will take to be with each other.


Although it feels like I wanna run, sprint and be with him now, soon, no now! I have to be patient, we both have to be. Even though his mornings are my nights, we are thousands of miles apart, we are together, he's always with me, I'm always with him, and we will be together, just a few more steps, a few more steps....